Shame and Guilt: A Toxic Duo
April 18, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
As a therapist, one of the most common emotions I see people experience is shame. The clients I work with who experience shame often describe it as feeling as though something is inherently wrong with them. Shame is a deeply powerful emotion that can shape how we see ourselves and interact with the world around us. But often, clients also struggle with guilt, another emotion that has a significant impact on our mental and emotional well-being. Though they are often used interchangeably, shame and guilt are distinct feelings that affect us in different ways. Understanding the difference between the two can offer valuable insight into how we relate to ourselves and others, and how we can navigate these emotions in a healthier way.
What is Shame?
Shame is a deeply internalized emotion that tells us there is something wrong with who we are. It is not about specific actions or behaviors but rather about who we are at our core. When we experience shame, it feels as though our entire self is flawed. It often results in feeling unworthy or like you don’t matter. It’s not “I did something bad,” it’s “I am bad.” This feeling can seep into every part of our identity, making it incredibly hard to separate ourselves from our mistakes or shortcomings.
The problem with shame is that it’s defeating. Rather than motivating us to correct or improve ourselves, it can paralyze us. Shame creates a sense of hopelessness, and over time, it can become debilitating. It may lead to withdrawal, isolation, and even self-destructive behavior as we try to cope with these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. When we carry shame, it is often difficult to see a path forward because we are so consumed by the belief that we are inherently flawed.
What is Guilt?
On the other hand, guilt is often about something we’ve done, not who we are. It happens when we believe we have betrayed our own values, hurt someone else, or broken our own moral and ethical codes of conduct. While guilt can be uncomfortable and unpleasant, it can also serve a productive purpose. Unlike shame, guilt doesn’t necessarily define us. It tells us that our actions may have been misaligned with our beliefs or harmed others, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are bad people.
The key difference between guilt and shame is that guilt can be motivating (more on how guilt can be problematic in a minute). When we feel guilty about something, it can inspire us to make a situation right, change how we behave in certain situations, and improve our relationships by offering the opportunity to apologize. Guilt offers space for growth, as it helps us align our actions with our values and fosters empathy toward those we’ve affected. It can lead to self-reflection, self-improvement, and healing in relationships.
The Dark Side of Guilt: People-Pleasing
However, guilt can become problematic when it is used as the primary motivator for our decisions. When we rely too heavily on guilt, it can push us to prioritize other people’s needs or feelings at the expense of our own. This often leads to people-pleasing behavior, where we act out of obligation or fear of disappointing others, rather than from a place of genuineness. As a therapist who treats anxiety, I see this come up a lot with my clients who run on the anxious side. It manifests as a preoccupation with avoiding conflict, making others happy, and not prioritizing our own needs. It often leads to being a conditioned response, meaning that if someone asks me to do something, I do it because I feel guilty, whether or not I’ve done something wrong. One of my favorite observations to make in sessions with clients is “just because you feel guilty, doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.”
People-pleasing can quickly spiral into burnout, resentment, and frustration. It leaves little room for self-care or boundaries. We may feel guilty for saying “no” or for taking time for ourselves, and as a result, we constantly put others before our own well-being. This guilt-driven behavior may feel momentarily satisfying but over time, it can cause more harm than good when it’s used as the primary motivator for decision making. I often encourage my clients to ask themselves: “What decision would I make if guilt wasn’t the primary motivator?” This allows you to tap into your own needs and wants rather than what you think you “should” do.
How to Navigate Shame and Guilt
Both shame and guilt are complex emotions, but the key to managing them is recognizing the difference and understanding their respective roles in our lives. There are ways to help manage these deeply rooted emotions.
Separate yourself from your mistakes: Just because you may have done something wrong or made a misstep in your relationship, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Focus on the behavior, not your identity.
Practice self-compassion: For some reason, we are hardest on ourselves than anyone else. Lots of my clients struggle with being kind to themselves, especially if they are experiencing shame. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and you are not inherently flawed or unworthy because of them.
Use guilt as a tool for growth, not as a weapon: Instead of letting guilt control your actions, use it as a motivator for positive change. Ask yourself what you can do differently next time, and make decisions that align with your values. If you are making decisions because you feel guilty, remember to ask yourself: “What decision would I make if guilt wasn’t the motivator?”
Set boundaries: My people-pleasing clients have such a hard time with boundaries, mostly due to the belief that saying no = being mean. Boundaries are not being mean: they help protect you from burnout and ensure that your relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. By not setting boundaries, you are actually creating an unhealthy and unrealistic expectation in your relationships.
Talk it out: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by shame or guilt, talk to a therapist who can help you explore and navigate these tough emotions.
If you find that shame or guilt is holding you back in your life, reach out to me. It’s an area I specialize in treating and I can offer a unique perspective so that you can explore these emotions and work toward healing and growth. I offer virtual sessions throughout Pennsylvania and in-person sessions in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania.