My Therapist Told Me…
September 8, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
It’s a phrase I hear all the time, sometimes from my own clients, sometimes secondhand: “My therapist said I need better boundaries.” “My therapist said my boss is toxic.” “My therapist told me I need to cut her off.” There’s something powerful about those words. It gives the impression of a wise expert delivering clear instructions, a sort of emotional prescription for a better life. And to be honest, sometimes it feels like that’s what clients expect from us. But here’s the thing: therapists don’t actually tell people what to do or give orders or hand out life plans. We don’t sit back and dictate the “right” course of action. In fact, most of us are trained specifically not to do that. You are the expert on your life, not us.
The Myth of “Being Told”
Here’s a little insight into the job of a therapist: In therapy, our role is more nuanced and collaborative than many people realize. Yes, we do talk, we offer observations, and we ask questions that might not have been asked before. Sometimes we will point out inconsistencies, gently challenge assumptions, or highlight patterns that show up repeatedly. But we don’t do this to steer someone toward what we believe is right for them. We do it to expand the client’s awareness. We want to help people see options they didn’t know they had and open up space for new ways of thinking. This allows you to learn more about how you’re feeling and make different choices.
So when someone says something like “My therapist told me to leave his lazy ass,” it often indicates something more complex. Maybe the therapist pointed out how often the client feels anxious and small around their partner. Maybe they asked what the client truly wants in a relationship. Maybe they reflected on how the client has been compromising their needs for the sake of someone else’s comfort. The client hears this, processes it, and something shifts. They make a decision. And later, it feels like the therapist told them what to do because that moment of insight was so pivotal. But it was never about being told. It was about being seen clearly, and being asked the right questions.
The Power of Reflection
Therapists are mirrors, not megaphones. We reflect, we wonder aloud, we invite curiosity. There are lots of times in sessions when I ask a question and a client will respond with “I know, you’re right” or “I see what you’re getting at” when in reality, I’m not saying anything or passing judgment. I’m simply asking. And even in asking the question, clients begin to piece things together that they were already aware of and use my questioning as a way to validate those things. The questions therapists ask are not commands, they are entry points. And when someone hears themself those moments, it can be transformative. That transformation is internally driven and it doesn’t come from the therapist.
You Have The Power to Choose
One of the most important truths I wish every client knew is this: You have more choice than you think. So many people come to therapy feeling stuck, helpless, or out of control. They say, “I have to stay in this job,” or “I can’t upset my family,” or “I don’t have a choice.” And often, that feeling of being trapped is very real especially when there are other factors at play. But even in those moments, there’s some kind of choice. I used to work in fields where clients were mandated to counseling. They would say things like “I don’t have a choice whether I’m here. It’s either here or jail.” And while those options were not ideal for that person, there was still a choice (and you’d be surprised how many people chose jail instead). One thing I often share with clients is a phrase: we always have a choice. Sometimes we just don’t like the menu of options. In some scenarios, it might be a choice to set a boundary and sometimes it’s the choice to tolerate discomfort in order to grow. Therapy is about helping people remember their autonomy, especially when they’ve forgotten it. Therapists don’t give people power; they already have it. But we help them see it.
Why the Illusion of Being “Told” Matters
So why does this distinction matter? Because when people believe therapists tell them what to do, they’re missing the real magic of therapy. They’re externalizing their growth. They’re giving us credit for choices they made. And that subtly reinforces the idea that someone else holds the answers to their life. That’s not therapy. That’s dependency. And our job is the opposite of creating dependency. We want clients to leave therapy more connected to themselves, more confident in their ability to navigate life, not more reliant on what someone else thinks they should do. If anything, a good therapist will make themselves obsolete over time: not because they stop caring, but because the client starts trusting their own voice more than ours.
Occasionally, a therapist does give directive advice (hopefully with clarity and consent), and the client may take it or leave it. But more often, it’s the interpretation of something we said. It’s a reflection of the meaning the client made from the conversation. If you heard encouragement where we offered reflection, that’s okay. That means something we said struck a chord. Something in you was ready to move and our words allowed you to feel comfortable taking action. But don’t forget to give yourself credit because you chose, you acted, and it’s you doing the work.
If any of this resonated with you and you’re ready to start exploring in therapy, reach out. I practice in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania and can serve clients virtually throughout Pennsylvania and Delaware. I’d love to hear from you!