Negative Self-Talk: Kinda Rude, Kinda Effective
August 8, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
If you’ve ever found yourself saying things like “I’m so lazy,” or “I’ll never be good enough,” then welcome to the club: one most of us can’t stand being part of but also have a hard time letting go. As a therapist, one thing I hear from clients over and over again (and let’s be honest, something I’ve also said to myself at times) is this: If I ease up on myself, I’ll never get shit done. Sound familiar? Let’s talk about the sneaky ways negative self-talk dresses up like motivation, why we cling to it, and what actually works better for building the life we want.
The Tough-Love Trap
Let’s say you miss a workout, forget to return a text, or say something slightly cringey in a meeting. What’s the first thing your brain says? “Of course you did that, you’re such an idiot” or “What the fuck? Can you get any stupider?” or “You are such a fucking mess.” It’s not nice, but it’s also weirdly...familiar. And sometimes, it feels like it works. That inner critic gets so loud that you finally get off the couch, reply to your friend, or stay silent in that next meeting, motivated by the fear of saying something ridiculous. It’s easy to confuse that burst of productivity as proof that the negative voice helped. But here’s the thing: that’s not motivation. That’s fear.
You’re moving not because you’re inspired or committed but because you’re trying to avoid feeling like total shit about yourself. And while that can work short-term, it’s draining. It chips away at your confidence, increases anxiety, and makes you associate action with pressure and pain. Your brain becomes accustomed to this type of “motivation” and often relies on it to act, therefore reinforcing the pattern that talking to yourself like shit will create results. In the long run, this kind of motivation is like relying on sugar for your energy: you’ll get a quick boost but will quickly run out of steam, feeling worse than before and completely depleted.
Why We Cling to It and What Works Better
From a human perspective, I get it. Negative self-talk feels like it keeps us in line. If we stop being hard on ourselves, what’s to stop us from scrolling all day and eating ice cream for all of our meals? Here’s the good news: letting go of negative self-talk doesn’t mean letting go of ambition. It means replacing shame with strategies that actually work. We cling to the inner critic because we think the alternative is being “soft” on ourselves. But there’s a middle path: self-compassion with standards. You can hold yourself accountable without being a jerk to yourself. Here are some ways of thinking that are actually more motivating than self-criticism.
Approaching something with a curious outlook rather than a critical outlook. Instead of saying to yourself: “Why am I always fucking things up?” you could say “What’s happening right now that made this harder for me today?” Perhaps your newborn was up all night which made you say something out of place during a meeting. Or maybe you had an argument with a friend or your partner which made your frustration tolerance lower than usual. Curiosity allows you to identify what contributed to being less than your best self instead of criticizing yourself for simply making a mistake.
Try using encouragement rather than insults. I’ve worked with many current and former athletes in my practice, and I can say from observation that I’ve had some clients whose coaches completely destroyed their self-esteem. This is typically the coach that uses an extreme version of “tough love” by degrading, humiliating, or criticizing their players. The best coaches? The ones that give constructive feedback and encouragement. Saying something like “Yikes, that was not my best moment. I can do better” acknowledges that you messed up but also allows for growth. Truth be told, mine sounds a little like: “Oh, girl. You did not need to say that. Talk less, listen more next time.”
But What If I Still Feel Lazy?
When people tell me, “If I’m not hard on myself, I won’t do anything,” I ask: Has that ever actually been true? Most of the time, the answer is no. You’re reading a blog post about self-talk written by a therapist. That doesn’t scream “lazy” to me. That tells me you care. Deeply. And quite often, if we fear becoming something, it’s pretty unlikely that we’ll actually become that thing. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: caring doesn’t go away when you stop criticizing yourself. In fact, it gets stronger. When we stop wasting energy on shame, we have more fuel for things like creativity, focus, and joy.
Next time you catch that inner critic chiming in with something harsh, pause and try asking: Would I say this to a friend? Is this voice helping or hurting right now? Taking it a step further, whose voice am I listening to right now? (Another blog post for another day, but our self-talk is often formed in the presence of the most critical person in our lives). What would it sound like if I approached this with curiosity instead? And if you’re feeling brave, practice saying something kind to yourself—even if it feels weird at first. Something like: “I’m having a hard time right now, and that’s okay. I’m learning.” Not because you’re trying to trick yourself into slacking off. But because you’re a human being who is doing their best and that deserves respect, not ridicule.
If you’re reading this and thinking: this sounds like me. I constantly use this type of language to motivate myself, then reach out. If you’re located in Pennsylvania or Delaware and want to work with a therapist that specializes in changing negative self-talk patterns, contact me. I offer in-person appointments in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania and virtual appointments in Pennsylvania and Delaware.