It’s OK: Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To Be Fine
July 25, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
I recently had a long-time client come into session and express a bit of anxiety. She shared that she was feeling anxious because she wanted to show me she was doing well but in reality, she wasn’t doing well. Given her circumstances, it was completely understandable. She has been experiencing a months long, very devastating and emotionally taxing situation. Anyone in her situation would be feeling this way. But she felt the need to put on an act for me. My first thought was “what have I done to make her feel like she needs to pretend for me?” It was a good lesson in allowing people to be as they are.
If You Were Fine, You Probably Wouldn’t Be Here
Let me start with a little secret: your therapist doesn’t want you to be “fine.” At least, not in the way most people mean it when they walk into a session, plop down on the couch, and say, “I’m good, things are fine,” with that practiced smile that’s been worn so long it’s basically muscle memory. Therapists actually want to help you, they don’t want to impress you and they certainly don’t expect for you to impress them. One of the basic functions of our job is to sit with discomfort and often times that means sitting with another person’s negative emotions. Not only are we OK with that, we thrive in it.
I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen that face—the brave face, the polished, “I’ve got it together” persona that so many of us wear like armor. But below the surface, you’re brimming with tears, one word away from completely breaking down. And listen, I get it. We live in a world where being vulnerable often feels unsafe, where we’re praised for being resilient and productive, not raw and messy. But therapy is one of the few places in life where the rules are different. It’s actually built for the mess. So let me say this clearly: you don’t need to put on a happy face with your therapist. In fact, we’d rather you didn’t.
Therapy Is Not a Performance
Therapy isn’t a job interview or a coffee date with someone you’re trying to impress. You don’t get graded. There’s no gold star for holding it all together. If anything, therapy works best when you let yourself fall apart a little. Or maybe even a lot. When you show up with your defenses up, filtering your emotions, sugarcoating your stress, or pretending that things aren’t as hard as they feel, it limits what we can do together. If I don’t know where it hurts, how can I help you heal?
I’ve had clients come in and talk about everything but the thing that’s truly weighing them down. We might spend weeks dancing around it. And then one day, they finally say the scary thing—the thing they didn’t want to say out loud. And that’s when the real work begins. Being authentic in therapy means showing up exactly as you are: tired, anxious, irritable, confused, hopeful, hopeless—whatever it is. I promise, I’ve seen it all, and none of it scares me. Your vulnerability is not a burden. It's a gift. It’s the raw material we need to create change, to find patterns, to heal.
It’s Okay to Be a Little Messy Here
This might sound weird, but when you come into session and everything is going great, I’m happy for you—but I’m not necessarily expecting that. I’m not here to be impressed by how “well” you’re doing. I’m here to understand your inner world, to walk with you through the tough spots, and to help you figure out what you need to feel better, not just look better on the outside. Your therapist is trained to sit with discomfort—yours and theirs. We're not here to judge, fix you, or tell you what to do. We're here to listen deeply, reflect back what we hear, and help you make sense of it all. But none of that works unless we get to see the real you. If you’re putting on the mask you think we want to see, we never actually get to see you. And that’s really important in the therapeutic relationship.
Therapy is one of the few places in life where you can stop pretending. You can say the thing you’re ashamed of. You can cry without apologizing. You can be angry, confused, numb, or scared. You can sit in silence if words feel too heavy. You don’t have to tie it up with a bow. And yes, I know that kind of honesty can feel terrifying. You might worry that if you show your therapist the real you—your sadness, your anxiety, your not-so-nice thoughts—they might judge you or see you differently. But in truth, that's the moment many therapists lean in closer and become more curious. This is the stuff that plagues most humans and so when we get down to the root of what’s happening in your life, we can help you find a path toward change.
So, if you’ve been putting on a happy face in therapy—trying to protect yourself, or maybe even protect your therapist—I invite you to set that mask down, even just a little. You don’t have to be “fine.” You just have to be honest. Because that’s where the magic happens. In the unpolished, imperfect truth of your experience. And I promise, that version of you, the one who’s struggling, uncertain, or just plain over it… That’s the one I’m here to help. If you’re located in Pennsylvania or Delaware and you’re reading this, and looking for a therapist that you can be real with, contact me. I offer in-person appointments in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania and virtual appointments in Pennsylvania and Delaware.