The Power of Small Talk
July 3, 2025
Author | Hannah Hill
As a therapist in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, I work with individuals who long for a more peaceful existence and less pressure to be something they are not. I observe people who often feel overwhelmed by the weight of shame, guilt, and constant pressure to measure up. These feelings don’t come out of nowhere. More often than not, they stem from deep-rooted societal messages about what a "successful" life should look like. And a lot of times these pressures come from our topics of small talk: What do you do for a living? Are you married? Do you have any children? Where did you go to college? They all seem like pretty safe topics, but if you haven’t done some of those things, and feel like you should have, these innocuous questions can be triggers for a shame or embarrassment spiral.
We’re given a script early on and it often looks like this: go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, buy a house, be happy. And if our life doesn’t unfold in that particular order, or doesn’t include some of those chapters at all, we can start to feel like we’re doing something wrong. Where I see this commonly show up is in adults, particularly women, between the ages of 30-40. Especially if they do not have a long-term partner and are seeking one. But what if your story doesn’t have to follow that traditional path to be meaningful? What if your life, just as it is, is already full of value?
From the time we’re kids, we’re exposed to an unspoken belief that there’s a “right” way to grow up. It shows up in school, in our families, in the movies we watch and the stories we’re told. These expectations shape what we think we should want, how we measure success, and even how we view ourselves and others. So what happens when we don’t hit all those so-called milestones, or don’t even want to? Shame enters the picture. We start comparing our lives to others and internalizing this idea that we’re somehow behind, failing, or broken. It shows up in the 30-something who’s single and questioning whether they’re “too late” for love. Or the new grad who isn’t excited about their career path and feels lost while everyone else seems to have it all figured out. Spoiler alert: pretty much no one has it all figured out.
And where shame goes, guilt often follows. That heavy sense that you’ve let someone down—your parents, your culture, your younger self. Maybe you feel guilty for wanting different things than what your family values. Maybe you feel like you're wasting time, or wasting potential, because you're not following the “normal” route. That guilt can be isolating and exhausting. All of this can lead to something else: envy. And not in a malicious, petty way. This kind of envy creeps in quietly, disguised as self-doubt. You see a friend post about their engagement, a coworker buying a home, a sibling announcing their pregnancy. Your chest tightens. You’re happy for them, of course—but you can’t help but wonder, Why not me? Am I doing something wrong? Don’t I deserve these things, too?
Social media doesn’t help, either. It’s a never-ending highlight reel, a curated gallery of everyone else’s best moments. What we forget is that we’re often comparing our behind-the-scenes to someone else’s showreel. And that’s not a fair fight. The antidote to this toxic cycle of shame, guilt, and envy isn’t about pretending those feelings don’t exist, it’s about grounding yourself in self-acceptance. It starts with asking, What do I actually want? Not what your family expects. Not what society promotes. What you want. Maybe you don’t want the traditional path. Maybe your version of success looks like solo travel, starting your own business, deepening friendships, or having a quiet life filled with small joys. Maybe it’s not about the big milestones at all—but about being present in your life and aligned with your values.
Start noticing the things that are already working in your life. Gratitude doesn’t need to be grand or flashy. It can be your morning coffee, a meaningful conversation, a book you love, a moment of silence. When we appreciate what’s right in front of us, we start to feel more connected to our own story instead of obsessing over someone else’s. And timelines? Fuhgeddaboudit. There’s no expiration date on love, creativity, change, or growth. Some people find their stride in their twenties. Others in their forties or sixties. Life isn’t a checklist. It's a process of unfolding, evolving, and becoming. You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to rewrite the script. And you’re allowed to change your mind along the way.
It also helps to redefine what success means to you. Instead of chasing someone else’s version whether that’s status, money, or marriage: ask yourself what actually brings you fulfillment. Maybe it's peace of mind. Maybe it’s connection, creativity, freedom, or purpose. Success doesn’t have to be an over-the-top, grandiose display. Sometimes, it’s just waking up and liking who you are. From my perspective, that’s a success that eludes so many people.
Something to keep in mind is that everyone has something they’re struggling with that you can’t see. And I mean everyone. They have doubts, questions, fears, feelings of inadequacy and just because they aren’t talking about it, doesn’t mean those things don’t exist for them. The moment we stop comparing and start getting curious about our own lives, we open the door to genuine growth.
If you’re reading this and thinking, Yep, this sounds like me, I’d love to hear from you. I’m a therapist based in Phoenixville, PA, and I work with people through all kinds of life stressors—anxiety, relationship issues, transitions, and more. Feel free to reach out. We can chat and see if we’re a good fit to work together. Your path matters. Your timing is perfect. And your life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s to be beautiful.